Category — Women

MAKEOVER MONDAY!

Today’s topic is the beautifully dysfunctional situations playing out between men and women. And let’s face it, you all know one who’s side I fall… my wife’s.

She recently passed along the “Nine Words Women Use” list to me, perhaps if telling me something. But being a guy, it’s probably lost on me. Go figure. But, here’s the list:

1. Fine
   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes
   If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing
   This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead
   This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh
   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay
   This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks
   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever
   Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it
   Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Now men, do you understand that? You may want to print this out, memorize it, or even photocopy it to a 3×5 card (like I used to do for school when the teacher said you can have whatever you want for the test as long as it fits on a 3×5 card… priceless memories there!). But men, we have our own lingo too that women should know about, right? I mean, c’mon now, we men aren’t all brutes and sports fanatics! So, here’s the ManVBlog’s list of “Nine Words Men Use”.

1. Fine
   It’s what we say when we pretend to be listening to you. It’s our “I’d rather be somewhere else doing anything else, but I’ll appease you and say ‘Fine’ to whatever you ask just to get you to stop talking so we can move on to something else” word.

2. Five Minutes
   Five minutes is usually an undetermined set of time, but we say it because it’s a good even number. When used in conjunction with “I’ll get those dishes done in five minutes”, it means we’ll think about doing them tomorrow. When it is used on us men, as in the woman saying, “Five more minutes” in reference to finishing getting dressed, we tend to think of it as, “No problem, that’s more ESPN time for me and you not asking me to do anything while you’re in the bedroom/bathroom getting ready and can’t see that I’m doing absolutely nothing productive.”

3. Nothing
   When someone asks a man about something, especially when he’s involved with watching anything on the television, it really does mean “nothing”. We are unable to think and watch TV at the same time, thus why we yell obscenities at it when we know full well that the umpire will never hear us. Really, we’re unable to think and do anything else at the same time. So, “Nothing” = Nothing.

4. Go Ahead
   It’s our way of saying, “I would pay money to see it.” We want you to prove that you can do it. We know we’ll most likely get in trouble or sent to the doghouse for a night, but we want to see you do it, for purely entertainment purposes.

5. Loud Sigh
   We do this when we run out of beer, and wondering if you’ll take pity on us and bring us another cold one. Goes along with #3 in that we want to watch TV and can’t do 2 things at once.

6. That’s Okay
   Really, it is. It’s our way of trying out “Nurture over Nature” and we get all fussy over something we probably don’t care about, just to try and score some brownie points for later.

7. Thanks
   One of the most sarcastic words in the man’s dictionary. 9 times out of 10 we say it in this fashion. This is probably why when we actually mean it that 1 time, it’s lost in interpretation. Just say “You’re Welcome” and we’ll go along with it all 10 times though.

8. Whatever
   It means we don’t care. “Want to go to so-and-so restaurant tonight?” “Whatever.” “Do you want to watch ice-skating with me on TV?” “Whatever.” It’s a man’s way of politely saying, “I don’t care.” Can be interchanged with “Fine”.

9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It
   If a dude EVER says “Don’t worry about it”, run. It usually means we’re so peeved that we’re attempting to be nice. If we’re nice, that means something is REALLY wrong. Like when we bring home flowers or buy you a gift. See #6 about scoring brownie points for later.

View the article here, but my synopsis below:

FOXNews.com – Foods to Boost Your Sex Life – Slide 1 of 8

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#8: Tuna – for those with Erectile Dysfunction

#7: Spinach – Calcium. It’s good for muscles that need to spasm.

#6: Cinnamon – It “arouses” the sense of smell to bring happy thoughts.

#5: Berries – All in the zinc, men.

#4: Beets – Helps the liver out where your “boys” are made at. If you have a bad beginning, you aren’t going to prosper far, young snapper.

#3: Bananas – Vitamin B6. It’s good for testosterone, and we can never have enough.

#2: Avocado – See Bananas. Also gives out some good Vitamin E, which is vital for the overall “experience”.

#1: Apples – Helps keep prostate cancer away. That’s a very good thing.

Alright men, I thought I would end my series on the hottest women in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver… Sorry.

Now, in honor of what is going on this Sunday, I’ve compiled a list of things that men do that could lead to quite a pleasureable day for women… and men at the end of it.

In other words, these are the things you SHOULD do if you’re a dude, though it might be common things you normally don’t.

THE LIST!

1. Men, make breakfast. It isn’t hard. You can even go pick up something from somewhere, though try to get something more than Dunkin’. She’ll appreciate it. You will FAIL if you make her make breakfast. Trust me. Been there, done that.
2. Men, don’t try to “get some” when you wake up that morning. If you do everything correct on VD, then you’ll be rewarded.
3. Men, let her sleep in. Unless she normally does. Then allow her to sleep in like usual.
4. Men, buy her flowers. Nice ones. And no, not these…



5. Men, buy her a gift. Something YOU want is not a gift to her, so forget those cool electronic things or anything that would remind her of housework, like a vacuum or feather duster.
6. Men, get a chick-flick to watch with her that night. It’ll go over quite well for you, and besides, you can always pick a chick-flick that is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.
7. Men, don’t be a man for a day. That’s all of these wrapped into one. You’ll thank me the day after VD.

And… the next hottest Olympiads going into the 2010 Winter Olympics (hot enough to melt the ice!)

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Gretchen Bleiler – Snowboarding. 27 years of age. From Ohio (OH-Hi-Oh!) She won a silver medal in the half-pipe competition in Turin (2006) and this year, no reason why she can’t score a gold. Interesting fact: She threw the first pitch in the home opener for the Colorado Rockies in 2006 as well as started a NASCAR race (Gentlemen, start your engines!)… and definitely had no problem meaning that phrase.

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Lindsey Vonn – Alpine Skiier. 25 years of age. Born in Minnesota. She is considered the most successful women’s downhill skiier EVER. She has won the World Cup Championships for the past 2 years and is a HUGE favorite to win the Olympic Gold. Interesting Fact: She bruised her arm in her in the opening run of her 2010 World Cup giant slalom and still managed to come back and win 3 races (2 downhills, 1 Super G) with her arm in a brace. One can only wonder what she can do fully healed.

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Tanith Belbin – Ice Dancing. Okay, so, maybe I”ll watch Ice Dancing. I know my wife really enjoys it. I just might too… Anyways… 25 years of age, dual citizen with Canada and the US , though she chose to compete for the US team and not the Canadian team (Oh Canada!). She won a silver medal in Turin (2006) with her partner Benjamin Agosto after she became a citizen of the US on 12/31/05 through a special act of Congress. Interesting Fact: Performed an ice dance during exhibition to the song “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake. I think she brought it back just fine.

In honor of the forthcoming Olympics in a few weeks (*sarcastic cheer… ice skating… dread*), and seeing as this is Women Wednesday, why not start a series of Wednesday posts in honor of our American hopefuls? So, I will be giving a few women to watch for and why they are the “Gold Standard” in my playbook.

Without further ado, here are 3 of the gold medal hopefuls in Vancouver!

1. Katie Uthlaender – Skeleton. If you haven’t seen a skeleton race, they’re freakin’ awesome. (Think of sledding, only going down head first on your stomach at break-neck speeds.) A bit about Katie: 25 years of age, father was a MLB outfielder for the Indians (yes, they still have a baseball team), and apparently likes to drink really large mugs of beer.

?2. Noelle Pikus-Pace – Skeleton. What is it about these skeleton Olympiads? Good lookin’ and thrill seekers. Facts about Noelle: 27 years of age, was the NJCAA National Discus Champion in college, and apparently went to the same university my wife did to get her MBA in 2007 (might have even been classmates… go figure).

3. Erin Hamlin – Luge. Think of the skeleton race, but on your back and feet first. Thrill seeker, yet again. Mucho gusto. Facts about Erin: 23 years of age, hails from Lake Placid NY (don’t confuse her coming from there with that REALLY bad movie Lake Placid…), and won a gold medal at the 2009 FIL World Luge Championships, breaking the streak of 99 straight German victories. The Germans then drank themselves into a stupor.