Category — Stupid

One word title, because it applies to so much today.

1. It’s been a FLIPPIN’ long time since I’ve written in this. I don’t know why. I guess I’m lazy. So… *DING* Round 2 goes to BLOG. Damn.
2. Wish I could have done some of this flippin’ with my longest finger today while driving, and thus why I’m posting again.
3. It just sounds awesome to say, and can be used in so many ways. “You flippin’ reject! Go flip yourself!” and my favorite: “Flip you.” And yes, that’s about as “colorful” as I go.

To my rant!

So, how many of you drive. If you’re reading this, I bet the percentage is somewhere in the 95%+ vicinity. The other 5% break down as such: 3% suspended licenses, 1% not old enough, 1% don’t have a car. I feel the 3%. I have known that pain, my fellows. I have known that pain…

Driving into work today, I had to pass on the right hand side a LARGE number of people. We’re not talking one or two cars (which still irks me by the way), but at least a dozen or more. You wanna know what really chaffs my wad, PASSING ON THE RIGHT! If you’re going to drive BELOW the speed limit, get in the right hand lane. If you’re going to text while driving, get in the right hand lane. If you’re going to driver’s learning school, drive in the right hand lane! (and don’t text while you’re learning either… *wish I would have had my camera on my phone ready for that one…*)

Living in a major metropolitan area, I expect to see major failures on the roadways. In fact, if I don’t see at least ten instances of almost wrecks, I feel that I’m doomed to have one to make up for the low average of the day. I mean, c’mon now. Speed limits are optional in this area, and the only ones that follow it are the people who see a cop and slow down to let the cop zoom by them at 10 over the speed limit and those folks that shouldn’t be driving in the first place. Though, in my 4+ years here, I have learned some “things” to watch out for and it’s helped out tremendously. I’ll share some:

1. If you see a car speeding up, slowing down, then going side to side within their lane, they’re texting. Just pass them, point, and laugh at their horrible skillz. I can do it without swerving.
2. If you see a line of cars in the left hand side in a long line as the right hand side is whizzing by at a normal speed, it means that there is a tourist driving ahead, and rather than be in the right hand lane, they drive in the left because they have no idea what they’re doing. Or else there’s been a wreck in the median or on the other side of the road (going in the opposite direction) and everyone is slowing down to stare at it. I really flippin’ hate that one.
3. If you see a “driver’s education” marked car ahead, pull off. Don’t attempt to pass them because they’ll try and hit you. It’s true. When the learning driver stares at a car passing it, they’ll inevitably steer that way too. So, take a break on the side of the road or find an alternate route. Or you could always wait for the inevitable to happen to someone else ahead of you.
4. If you see a car driving down the center of the road, taking up both lanes, assume that they have no idea what they’re doing and need to be honked at profusely. However, if it’s a large pickup truck, leave them be, unless you want your small car crushed like an empty snack bag of chips.

A funny thing happened on the way to work earlier in the week too. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen two cars play chicken with each other by trying to run the other one off the road in the other lane. (Understand that?) Here’s the scenario:

CAR A wanted to get into the right hand lane, and felt that CAR B would move to let him/her. CAR B didn’t think so and was almost ran off the road by CAR A. In retaliation, CAR B sped up within a few seconds which allowed CAR A to get into the right hand lane. CAR B changed lanes (now in the left hand one) and promptly slowed down to get beside CAR A and tried to get back into the right hand lane, thus forcing CAR A to swerve to miss. A merry-go-round of this crap ensued where each car took turns trying to run the other off the road while I looked at the car beside me and mouthed some choice words, pointed, and laughed. The dude did the same thing.

Do you have any stories worth sharing? Put ‘em down in the comments, or just wait till next week. I’ll have another ten to share.

Meat thermometer: a thermometer used to measure the internal temperature of meat, especially roasts and steaks, and other cooked foods.

What it looks like:

Now, why is Meat Thermometer the word of the day? Evidently, it’s more exciting to take one to a movie theater than to actually use one in the kitchen. Or it is to this dude.

A man is recovering from being stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after asking a woman to silence her cell phone in a movie theater, a sheriff’s department official said.
The stabbing occurred Saturday at the Cinemark 22 theater at 2600 West Avenue I in Lancaster, according to Detective Richard Cartmill of the Lancaster sheriff’s station.

The theater was packed for a 9 p.m. Saturday screening of the Martin Scorsese horror movie ‘Shutter Island’ when the victim complained about a woman near him who was using a cellphone during the show.

She and two men with her left the movie theater.

Two men returned a few minutes later and stabbed the victim, said sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore.

The victim was hospitalized but is expected to survive.

Two other people who attempted to help the victim were also injured in the altercation.

Sheriff’s officials describe the suspects as black males.

One man was wearing an orange hat with an orange jacket or jersey.

The other man was dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt.

Anyone with information on the attack is asked to contact the Lancaster sheriff’s station.

Meat Thermometer.

Yes, not a knife, not a gun, not even a shiv. Meat Thermometer. What “homeboy” goes to a movie theater carrying a Meat Thermometer? Who does he think he is? Wolfgang Puck? Emeril? Martha Stewart? Was he skipping his culinary class? If so, did the news just not publish that one dude was wearing a cooking apron so that he wouldn’t COMPLETELY lose his street cred?

Hope he gets his “hood” card revoked, because wow. Meat Thermometer.

FULL STORY

Ok, I couldn’t resist. Going to have to find a new means to protect yourself from the evil Microsoft. If you’re a female and get offended, you should probably not read this. At all. Just a warning.

Yes, the iPad has been delayed! *gasps*

Why is this important for society to know that THE iPAD HAS BEEN DELAYED? It’s not. But with Steve Jobs & the Apple-ites naming something the “iPad”, ManVBlog would like to take the time to come up with some one-liners and such to ready those of us in desperate need of the weekend to start early.

So… Let’s get it on! (Man V Blog is not responsible for the bad sense of humor, just lack of good taste)

• Did you see that flood after the iPad was released? Yeah, apparently the “Gates” were no longer protected. (Bill Gates… Yeah…)
• At least there’s no period in iPad.
• Users are expected to change their iPad at least once a month.
• Is that old iPad not big enough for your needs? Try the new Max-iPad!
• At least you won’t have to worry about setting off those hot “flashes” with this pad. (It isn’t Flash compatible… get it?!?)
• I wonder if the iPad is compatible with my current package? (Data package, that is)
• Brings a whole new meaning to “touch sensitive”. Look at Apple’s site, it says “with the touch of a finger”.
• How soon until someone makes a rumble pack feature for the pad?
• The iPad works in ANY orientation! (Really, did Apple not read what they were writing about their own product?)
• The iPad switches between “wide” and “full” after double-tapping. What other pads can do that?

*Done by myself, used with my own permission,
and if I find someone else using this, I will make you buy me one!*

For the REAL article this was based on, GO HERE.

How many of you all know that in some cultures, eating cat is acceptable?

How many of you have eaten cat? (And if any of you have, how was Fluffy?) Meow…

Recently, an Italian chef was kicked off a cooking show in Italy for giving his recipe for “Cat Stew”, saying it was “succulent” and, I quote:

“I’ve eaten it myself and it’s a lot better than many other animals,” he told viewers. “Better than chicken, rabbit or pigeon.” He said that for optimum flavor the meat should be “soaked in spring water for three days” before being stewed.

Hungry yet?

But, is that the weirdest thing you can eat? In China, they eat dogs and cats (for now…) stating something that they taste like chicken. Or not. But yeah. How’s Sparky doing?

How many of you have watched Fear Factor? I think that takes the cake for eating the grossest things, aside from stewed spinach.

Other things that people “eat”:

• Giant Water Bug.

  

• Weaver Ant Eggs.

  

• Boogers.

  

Anything I miss?

It was a rainy day outside. We were all gathering by the kitchen table to enjoy a warm bowl of Spaghettios when “they” were pulled out. First, the green army man, its plastic rough and worn, as if he had been chewed on by a dog. Then, out came the little troll with the wild blue hair. Finally, that boyish “action hero” GI Joe came out, wielding a massive 2 inch gun. It was chaos! That little GI Joe made that army man raise his hands above his head as the troll’s hair to go from blue to purple as it was in a lot of hot water now. All caused by that massive 2 inch gun… Damn you, GI Joe. Damn you.

Now, imagine that story, but taking place at an elementary school in New York, Staten Island to be precise. The role of GI Joe played by a police officer and the army soldier played by a lego man wielding an ax. Then, out of nowhere, this boy (see below) pulls out the massive 2 inch gun. Damn. Kids all over the cafeteria scream in horror, teachers run amok, and the lunch lady drops her hair net. Madness. Damn you, 2 inch gun.

That kid is an evil mastermind. How did he manage to get that massive 2 inch gun past those metal detectors? Chaos! Amok! Yahtzee!

Look at those eyes, those beady brown eyes and dishelved hair flop upon that tiny tots temple. Horrifying. And in his hands, he wields the massive 2 INCH GUN! I’m wetting myself as I want to go find some cover. Now I know why some armed forces people ask for Depends in their care packages overseas…

DAMN YOU 2 INCH GUN!

The principal, she’s valiant. She wrestles the boy to the ground, using every ounce of strength in her body and manages to RIP that 2 INCH GUN from the boy’s mighty paws. She has saved the day. Perhaps now she can take a better picture as her school is protected forever from that 2 INCH GUN.

What does the boy get? The gallows? Electric chair? What can it be as he wielded that mighty 2 INCH GUN and held the school hostage!!!!!

He almost gets suspended… Almost.

The boy’s parents are furious. SUE HER! SUE THEM! DAMN THEM FOR TAKING THAT MASSIVE 2 INCH GUN!!

The school is safe now. The tale is over. The sequel is doomed… unless the lego wielding ax-man decides to go crazy.

2 INCH AX! I cower in fear.

READ THE REAL STORY HERE