Category — Comedy

One word title, because it applies to so much today.

1. It’s been a FLIPPIN’ long time since I’ve written in this. I don’t know why. I guess I’m lazy. So… *DING* Round 2 goes to BLOG. Damn.
2. Wish I could have done some of this flippin’ with my longest finger today while driving, and thus why I’m posting again.
3. It just sounds awesome to say, and can be used in so many ways. “You flippin’ reject! Go flip yourself!” and my favorite: “Flip you.” And yes, that’s about as “colorful” as I go.

To my rant!

So, how many of you drive. If you’re reading this, I bet the percentage is somewhere in the 95%+ vicinity. The other 5% break down as such: 3% suspended licenses, 1% not old enough, 1% don’t have a car. I feel the 3%. I have known that pain, my fellows. I have known that pain…

Driving into work today, I had to pass on the right hand side a LARGE number of people. We’re not talking one or two cars (which still irks me by the way), but at least a dozen or more. You wanna know what really chaffs my wad, PASSING ON THE RIGHT! If you’re going to drive BELOW the speed limit, get in the right hand lane. If you’re going to text while driving, get in the right hand lane. If you’re going to driver’s learning school, drive in the right hand lane! (and don’t text while you’re learning either… *wish I would have had my camera on my phone ready for that one…*)

Living in a major metropolitan area, I expect to see major failures on the roadways. In fact, if I don’t see at least ten instances of almost wrecks, I feel that I’m doomed to have one to make up for the low average of the day. I mean, c’mon now. Speed limits are optional in this area, and the only ones that follow it are the people who see a cop and slow down to let the cop zoom by them at 10 over the speed limit and those folks that shouldn’t be driving in the first place. Though, in my 4+ years here, I have learned some “things” to watch out for and it’s helped out tremendously. I’ll share some:

1. If you see a car speeding up, slowing down, then going side to side within their lane, they’re texting. Just pass them, point, and laugh at their horrible skillz. I can do it without swerving.
2. If you see a line of cars in the left hand side in a long line as the right hand side is whizzing by at a normal speed, it means that there is a tourist driving ahead, and rather than be in the right hand lane, they drive in the left because they have no idea what they’re doing. Or else there’s been a wreck in the median or on the other side of the road (going in the opposite direction) and everyone is slowing down to stare at it. I really flippin’ hate that one.
3. If you see a “driver’s education” marked car ahead, pull off. Don’t attempt to pass them because they’ll try and hit you. It’s true. When the learning driver stares at a car passing it, they’ll inevitably steer that way too. So, take a break on the side of the road or find an alternate route. Or you could always wait for the inevitable to happen to someone else ahead of you.
4. If you see a car driving down the center of the road, taking up both lanes, assume that they have no idea what they’re doing and need to be honked at profusely. However, if it’s a large pickup truck, leave them be, unless you want your small car crushed like an empty snack bag of chips.

A funny thing happened on the way to work earlier in the week too. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen two cars play chicken with each other by trying to run the other one off the road in the other lane. (Understand that?) Here’s the scenario:

CAR A wanted to get into the right hand lane, and felt that CAR B would move to let him/her. CAR B didn’t think so and was almost ran off the road by CAR A. In retaliation, CAR B sped up within a few seconds which allowed CAR A to get into the right hand lane. CAR B changed lanes (now in the left hand one) and promptly slowed down to get beside CAR A and tried to get back into the right hand lane, thus forcing CAR A to swerve to miss. A merry-go-round of this crap ensued where each car took turns trying to run the other off the road while I looked at the car beside me and mouthed some choice words, pointed, and laughed. The dude did the same thing.

Do you have any stories worth sharing? Put ‘em down in the comments, or just wait till next week. I’ll have another ten to share.

Meat thermometer: a thermometer used to measure the internal temperature of meat, especially roasts and steaks, and other cooked foods.

What it looks like:

Now, why is Meat Thermometer the word of the day? Evidently, it’s more exciting to take one to a movie theater than to actually use one in the kitchen. Or it is to this dude.

A man is recovering from being stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after asking a woman to silence her cell phone in a movie theater, a sheriff’s department official said.
The stabbing occurred Saturday at the Cinemark 22 theater at 2600 West Avenue I in Lancaster, according to Detective Richard Cartmill of the Lancaster sheriff’s station.

The theater was packed for a 9 p.m. Saturday screening of the Martin Scorsese horror movie ‘Shutter Island’ when the victim complained about a woman near him who was using a cellphone during the show.

She and two men with her left the movie theater.

Two men returned a few minutes later and stabbed the victim, said sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore.

The victim was hospitalized but is expected to survive.

Two other people who attempted to help the victim were also injured in the altercation.

Sheriff’s officials describe the suspects as black males.

One man was wearing an orange hat with an orange jacket or jersey.

The other man was dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt.

Anyone with information on the attack is asked to contact the Lancaster sheriff’s station.

Meat Thermometer.

Yes, not a knife, not a gun, not even a shiv. Meat Thermometer. What “homeboy” goes to a movie theater carrying a Meat Thermometer? Who does he think he is? Wolfgang Puck? Emeril? Martha Stewart? Was he skipping his culinary class? If so, did the news just not publish that one dude was wearing a cooking apron so that he wouldn’t COMPLETELY lose his street cred?

Hope he gets his “hood” card revoked, because wow. Meat Thermometer.

FULL STORY

Ok, I couldn’t resist. Going to have to find a new means to protect yourself from the evil Microsoft. If you’re a female and get offended, you should probably not read this. At all. Just a warning.

Yes, the iPad has been delayed! *gasps*

Why is this important for society to know that THE iPAD HAS BEEN DELAYED? It’s not. But with Steve Jobs & the Apple-ites naming something the “iPad”, ManVBlog would like to take the time to come up with some one-liners and such to ready those of us in desperate need of the weekend to start early.

So… Let’s get it on! (Man V Blog is not responsible for the bad sense of humor, just lack of good taste)

• Did you see that flood after the iPad was released? Yeah, apparently the “Gates” were no longer protected. (Bill Gates… Yeah…)
• At least there’s no period in iPad.
• Users are expected to change their iPad at least once a month.
• Is that old iPad not big enough for your needs? Try the new Max-iPad!
• At least you won’t have to worry about setting off those hot “flashes” with this pad. (It isn’t Flash compatible… get it?!?)
• I wonder if the iPad is compatible with my current package? (Data package, that is)
• Brings a whole new meaning to “touch sensitive”. Look at Apple’s site, it says “with the touch of a finger”.
• How soon until someone makes a rumble pack feature for the pad?
• The iPad works in ANY orientation! (Really, did Apple not read what they were writing about their own product?)
• The iPad switches between “wide” and “full” after double-tapping. What other pads can do that?

*Done by myself, used with my own permission,
and if I find someone else using this, I will make you buy me one!*

For the REAL article this was based on, GO HERE.

MAKEOVER MONDAY!

Today’s topic is the beautifully dysfunctional situations playing out between men and women. And let’s face it, you all know one who’s side I fall… my wife’s.

She recently passed along the “Nine Words Women Use” list to me, perhaps if telling me something. But being a guy, it’s probably lost on me. Go figure. But, here’s the list:

1. Fine
   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes
   If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing
   This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead
   This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh
   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay
   This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks
   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever
   Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it
   Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Now men, do you understand that? You may want to print this out, memorize it, or even photocopy it to a 3×5 card (like I used to do for school when the teacher said you can have whatever you want for the test as long as it fits on a 3×5 card… priceless memories there!). But men, we have our own lingo too that women should know about, right? I mean, c’mon now, we men aren’t all brutes and sports fanatics! So, here’s the ManVBlog’s list of “Nine Words Men Use”.

1. Fine
   It’s what we say when we pretend to be listening to you. It’s our “I’d rather be somewhere else doing anything else, but I’ll appease you and say ‘Fine’ to whatever you ask just to get you to stop talking so we can move on to something else” word.

2. Five Minutes
   Five minutes is usually an undetermined set of time, but we say it because it’s a good even number. When used in conjunction with “I’ll get those dishes done in five minutes”, it means we’ll think about doing them tomorrow. When it is used on us men, as in the woman saying, “Five more minutes” in reference to finishing getting dressed, we tend to think of it as, “No problem, that’s more ESPN time for me and you not asking me to do anything while you’re in the bedroom/bathroom getting ready and can’t see that I’m doing absolutely nothing productive.”

3. Nothing
   When someone asks a man about something, especially when he’s involved with watching anything on the television, it really does mean “nothing”. We are unable to think and watch TV at the same time, thus why we yell obscenities at it when we know full well that the umpire will never hear us. Really, we’re unable to think and do anything else at the same time. So, “Nothing” = Nothing.

4. Go Ahead
   It’s our way of saying, “I would pay money to see it.” We want you to prove that you can do it. We know we’ll most likely get in trouble or sent to the doghouse for a night, but we want to see you do it, for purely entertainment purposes.

5. Loud Sigh
   We do this when we run out of beer, and wondering if you’ll take pity on us and bring us another cold one. Goes along with #3 in that we want to watch TV and can’t do 2 things at once.

6. That’s Okay
   Really, it is. It’s our way of trying out “Nurture over Nature” and we get all fussy over something we probably don’t care about, just to try and score some brownie points for later.

7. Thanks
   One of the most sarcastic words in the man’s dictionary. 9 times out of 10 we say it in this fashion. This is probably why when we actually mean it that 1 time, it’s lost in interpretation. Just say “You’re Welcome” and we’ll go along with it all 10 times though.

8. Whatever
   It means we don’t care. “Want to go to so-and-so restaurant tonight?” “Whatever.” “Do you want to watch ice-skating with me on TV?” “Whatever.” It’s a man’s way of politely saying, “I don’t care.” Can be interchanged with “Fine”.

9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It
   If a dude EVER says “Don’t worry about it”, run. It usually means we’re so peeved that we’re attempting to be nice. If we’re nice, that means something is REALLY wrong. Like when we bring home flowers or buy you a gift. See #6 about scoring brownie points for later.

In this edition of “Free-For-All-Friday”, we’ll explore ways that you can make a million dollars in today’s economy. Sure, a million sounds like a small number (if you have a few billion lying around), but it would be more than enough to get 95% of us by for our entire lives, assuming we don’t go out and buy property in California.

Let’s quickly examine what you could buy for a million bucks before ManVBlog tells you how to make a million.

1. It will buy you this home (not homes, just the home, taxes not included):
   http://www.weichert.com/27999990/?zip=22066&minpr=1000&maxpr=2000&dir=ASC&view=gallery
2. It will buy you this car (gas not included):
   http://www.dieselstation.com/cars/1-million-dollar-lamborghini-reventon-a700.html
3. It will buy you this cell phone (no cell phone plan though):
   http://www.engadget.com/2006/05/17/the-million-dollar-cellphone/
4. It will buy you this down-right hideous computer that is more bling than “bang for the buck”:
   http://www.geeksugar.com/Million-Dollar-Computer—Gadget-One-Needs-112293

So, how do you make a million dollars?

Here are some ideas:

1. Walk around the U.S. toting a placard that reads: “One million people. $1 each.” Though, you might have to find some pretty robust sneakers for such a trek.
2. Find a piece of art in a dumpster, then sell it. Who knows. You might be this lucky:
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_RQVa_2Ulk
3. Make a really bad movie, find lots of people after promoting the beejesus out of it, and then charge to make them leave. Or else have me sing the opening number.
4. Go back to elementary school and beat up lots of kids for their milk money.
5. Have THIS comic book or even THIS comic book. (Now who’s laughing at us comic book collectors, huh?!?)

  VS

Or else, maybe I’ll start an online donation drive that will take $1 donations to promote ManVBlog for a TV deal. $1M for a set. Who wants to be first? Only a million to go…