MAKEOVER MONDAY!

Today’s topic is the beautifully dysfunctional situations playing out between men and women. And let’s face it, you all know one who’s side I fall… my wife’s.

She recently passed along the “Nine Words Women Use” list to me, perhaps if telling me something. But being a guy, it’s probably lost on me. Go figure. But, here’s the list:

1. Fine
   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes
   If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing
   This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead
   This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh
   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay
   This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks
   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever
   Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it
   Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Now men, do you understand that? You may want to print this out, memorize it, or even photocopy it to a 3×5 card (like I used to do for school when the teacher said you can have whatever you want for the test as long as it fits on a 3×5 card… priceless memories there!). But men, we have our own lingo too that women should know about, right? I mean, c’mon now, we men aren’t all brutes and sports fanatics! So, here’s the ManVBlog’s list of “Nine Words Men Use”.

1. Fine
   It’s what we say when we pretend to be listening to you. It’s our “I’d rather be somewhere else doing anything else, but I’ll appease you and say ‘Fine’ to whatever you ask just to get you to stop talking so we can move on to something else” word.

2. Five Minutes
   Five minutes is usually an undetermined set of time, but we say it because it’s a good even number. When used in conjunction with “I’ll get those dishes done in five minutes”, it means we’ll think about doing them tomorrow. When it is used on us men, as in the woman saying, “Five more minutes” in reference to finishing getting dressed, we tend to think of it as, “No problem, that’s more ESPN time for me and you not asking me to do anything while you’re in the bedroom/bathroom getting ready and can’t see that I’m doing absolutely nothing productive.”

3. Nothing
   When someone asks a man about something, especially when he’s involved with watching anything on the television, it really does mean “nothing”. We are unable to think and watch TV at the same time, thus why we yell obscenities at it when we know full well that the umpire will never hear us. Really, we’re unable to think and do anything else at the same time. So, “Nothing” = Nothing.

4. Go Ahead
   It’s our way of saying, “I would pay money to see it.” We want you to prove that you can do it. We know we’ll most likely get in trouble or sent to the doghouse for a night, but we want to see you do it, for purely entertainment purposes.

5. Loud Sigh
   We do this when we run out of beer, and wondering if you’ll take pity on us and bring us another cold one. Goes along with #3 in that we want to watch TV and can’t do 2 things at once.

6. That’s Okay
   Really, it is. It’s our way of trying out “Nurture over Nature” and we get all fussy over something we probably don’t care about, just to try and score some brownie points for later.

7. Thanks
   One of the most sarcastic words in the man’s dictionary. 9 times out of 10 we say it in this fashion. This is probably why when we actually mean it that 1 time, it’s lost in interpretation. Just say “You’re Welcome” and we’ll go along with it all 10 times though.

8. Whatever
   It means we don’t care. “Want to go to so-and-so restaurant tonight?” “Whatever.” “Do you want to watch ice-skating with me on TV?” “Whatever.” It’s a man’s way of politely saying, “I don’t care.” Can be interchanged with “Fine”.

9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It
   If a dude EVER says “Don’t worry about it”, run. It usually means we’re so peeved that we’re attempting to be nice. If we’re nice, that means something is REALLY wrong. Like when we bring home flowers or buy you a gift. See #6 about scoring brownie points for later.

Alright men, I thought I would end my series on the hottest women in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver… Sorry.

Now, in honor of what is going on this Sunday, I’ve compiled a list of things that men do that could lead to quite a pleasureable day for women… and men at the end of it.

In other words, these are the things you SHOULD do if you’re a dude, though it might be common things you normally don’t.

THE LIST!

1. Men, make breakfast. It isn’t hard. You can even go pick up something from somewhere, though try to get something more than Dunkin’. She’ll appreciate it. You will FAIL if you make her make breakfast. Trust me. Been there, done that.
2. Men, don’t try to “get some” when you wake up that morning. If you do everything correct on VD, then you’ll be rewarded.
3. Men, let her sleep in. Unless she normally does. Then allow her to sleep in like usual.
4. Men, buy her flowers. Nice ones. And no, not these…



5. Men, buy her a gift. Something YOU want is not a gift to her, so forget those cool electronic things or anything that would remind her of housework, like a vacuum or feather duster.
6. Men, get a chick-flick to watch with her that night. It’ll go over quite well for you, and besides, you can always pick a chick-flick that is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.
7. Men, don’t be a man for a day. That’s all of these wrapped into one. You’ll thank me the day after VD.

Alright, coming up on the Olympics in Vancouver, so we’re getting to the end of the look at the hottest female athletes that will be competing there. Without waiting much longer, let’s get to it!

Hillary Knight – Hockey

The youngest member of the US Women’s hockey team (at only 20 years of age) is also one of their better players. She plays forward (in hockey terms, not basketball) and is a junior at the University of Wisconsin. Interesting fact: She likes to whitewater raft. Okay, that was lame. Moving on…

Yea.

Nicole Joraanstad – Curling

Yes, I said CURLING! You know, that game of slowly sliding big stones across an ice rink in hopes of tossing a Wicky Wacky Woo. I think I’d watch it just to hear an announcer say, “Look at that. It’s a Wicky Wacky Woo!” and not bust up laughing. Anyways… Nicole recently turned 29 and went to the University of Wisconsin – Madison. Interesting fact: You can be recruited by her here! Not for a date (a little late for that one), but as in she’d be your recruiter for a job.

Bree Schaaf – Bobsled

Bree is a 29 year old from Washington state and was a former skeleton racer (you know, head first on your stomach) before moving over to the bobsled a few years ago. She played D-1 volleyball at Portland State. Interesting fact: She’s a trombone player. Oh, and she’ll fix your clothes for ya, in that she is a pretty darn good seamstress.