It was a rainy day outside. We were all gathering by the kitchen table to enjoy a warm bowl of Spaghettios when “they” were pulled out. First, the green army man, its plastic rough and worn, as if he had been chewed on by a dog. Then, out came the little troll with the wild blue hair. Finally, that boyish “action hero” GI Joe came out, wielding a massive 2 inch gun. It was chaos! That little GI Joe made that army man raise his hands above his head as the troll’s hair to go from blue to purple as it was in a lot of hot water now. All caused by that massive 2 inch gun… Damn you, GI Joe. Damn you.

Now, imagine that story, but taking place at an elementary school in New York, Staten Island to be precise. The role of GI Joe played by a police officer and the army soldier played by a lego man wielding an ax. Then, out of nowhere, this boy (see below) pulls out the massive 2 inch gun. Damn. Kids all over the cafeteria scream in horror, teachers run amok, and the lunch lady drops her hair net. Madness. Damn you, 2 inch gun.

That kid is an evil mastermind. How did he manage to get that massive 2 inch gun past those metal detectors? Chaos! Amok! Yahtzee!

Look at those eyes, those beady brown eyes and dishelved hair flop upon that tiny tots temple. Horrifying. And in his hands, he wields the massive 2 INCH GUN! I’m wetting myself as I want to go find some cover. Now I know why some armed forces people ask for Depends in their care packages overseas…

DAMN YOU 2 INCH GUN!

The principal, she’s valiant. She wrestles the boy to the ground, using every ounce of strength in her body and manages to RIP that 2 INCH GUN from the boy’s mighty paws. She has saved the day. Perhaps now she can take a better picture as her school is protected forever from that 2 INCH GUN.

What does the boy get? The gallows? Electric chair? What can it be as he wielded that mighty 2 INCH GUN and held the school hostage!!!!!

He almost gets suspended… Almost.

The boy’s parents are furious. SUE HER! SUE THEM! DAMN THEM FOR TAKING THAT MASSIVE 2 INCH GUN!!

The school is safe now. The tale is over. The sequel is doomed… unless the lego wielding ax-man decides to go crazy.

2 INCH AX! I cower in fear.

READ THE REAL STORY HERE