Posts from — October 2009

Hot dog, that is. But, really, are we sure that it was a 100% beef frank, because if not, then it *might* be possibly be true. After all, didn’t we grow up wondering what hot dogs were really made of? And what’s wrong with a football player having a mid-game snack? Who knows, but Sanchez took no time to apologize, perhaps at the behest of what might happen if PETA found out about his delighting in a substance that grinds up who knows what. Perhaps PETA will find that the cows used to make the hot dog weren’t fed enough organic greens and hadn’t had there weekly hoof-painting session. (STORY)

But, moving on.

Let’s look at the highlights from this weekend in sports.

Alabama PWNs field goals. That’s right. They are still in title contention because of Mountain man Terrence Cody and his evidently ten foot reach to block 2 field goals. Perhaps he needed a hot dog afterwards to celebrate, because all that energy would surely have made that 350 pound lightweight hungry. Or else, maybe the Tennessee kicker was quite literal when he said to Coach Kiffin that he’d put some extra mustard into that game-winning 44 yard field goal he had lined up to boot through the uprights. Mount Cody probably heard it and thus, Alabama won on that blocked kick.

Big 12 South PWNs Big 12 North. Texas destroys Missouri. Oklahoma makes a mockery out of Kansas. The only reason I have for this is that… wait. I have no reason. The Big 12 North is like the minor leagues of the Big 12. Now, if only Baylor would switch sides, it might end up winning the North since it hasn’t a prayer, literally, of EVER winning the South.

Yankees finally play as Yankees. If I paid almost 1/2 a BILLION dollars for 3 free agents this off-season, I too would be pissed if I didn’t make the World Series. So, yet again, Cashman paid the cash, man, to get back into the playoffs. Here’s to the Phillies showing up the Yankees. But then again, I won’t watch a game as I could care less. Someday, my glorious Royals will be there… most likely as spectators, but hey, even the Marlins have won it all twice.

McGwire becomes coach. Yes. For the Cardinals and Tony LaRussa. Did I miss something, or do the Cardinals have a pass on drug testing next year?

In NHL news… If you name is not Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby, no one cares. Go CAPS!

And in the NFL…

Let’s get to the visual, men!

You ready to rush out and go buy Playboy in November now?

If you read the article about why Hefner did this, he says he wants to appeal to the “younger” generation. Right. How about “scar” the older and the younger? I understand the Simpsons on stamps for the 20th anniversary season, but, really? No… REALLY?!? This is one of those dumb-struck ideas that people have, like the hamburger that uses Krispy Kreme donuts instead of a bun (Yes, it exists and you can buy one here!) or even the baby bikini (as if us parents of daughters don’t have enough to worry about).

So, you younger readers that will soon be subscribed to Playboy, hiding them under your mattresses or sharing them with your middle school buds, does Marge “do it for you”? And if you answered yes, I have the name of a psychiatrist for you: C. Mor Butts, Psy. D. Tell him Bart sent you.

Congratulations! If you received today off to commemorate a national holiday (Columbus Day), then you can also partake of my birthday. No longer the roaring twenties in age, I have entered the “Great Depression” era.

So, while some of you might still be working today, I thought I would run over a list of other “special” holidays that people don’t get off work for.

Flag Day: June 14. Commemorates the adoption of the U.S. flag dating back to 1777.

So, I’m sitting here enjoying my ever delightful, 64 ounces of pure, coma-inducing, unadulterated caffeine heaven known as the Double Gulp from 7-11, filled to the brim with Coke (no ice) and I’m hungry. And I’m listening to music. So, why not do both and produce some food for your brain. (Will produce a drink only one some other time… when I’m parched.)

Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band

Who cannot love a song about fried chicken and beer? It’s even kind of catchy. My 6 year old sings it. Though, hearing her say “cold beer on a Friday night” puts a peculiar look upon my wife’s face. Go figure.

Milkshake – Kelis

Okay, not because of the singer, but I like to know that some women bring their milk to the yard, and yes, some of their milk is better than yours. Maybe they won’t charge you.

Eat It – Wierd Al Yankovic

Nothing better than a parody to MJ. And yes, watching Wierd Al blow up on camera like a pinata stuffed with candied goods is priceless. Only thing better would have been seeing him eat a Bacon Explosion on the video.

Food, Glorious Food – From Ice Age 2 (Originally from Oliver)

Yes. It is glorious. Just hear the song here and you’ll get hungry. And yes, I am picturing a Mammoth steak.

Do you all have any others that should be added? Leave it below in the comments!

So, one day, out on the playground, you come upon a dirty brown bag. You pick it up, hoping you don’t catch some strange disease (H1N1) from the bag by merely touching it. Then, foolishly, you open it, exposing yourself to even more strange diseases (ebola) because whatever is inside of it is now airborne. But, to your surprise, (and most likely wetting yourself from what you find inside it) its a huge wad of cash!

Sound like something out of your very, very disturbed dreams? No. It happened in Berlin, Germany. Four kids (10-13) found just that (except, maybe the disease part, but the media wouldn’t report it if there was…) on Friday and began passing it around to fellow classmates (make it a community disease now), who would have probably gone out to buy an iPod or a Nintendo DSi or some comic books (do people still buy those?). After the teachers found out, they believe they collected most of it back, even after saying, “If you don’t give back that money, I’m going to have to send you to the hospital to see if you caught cooties.” I’m sure the kids were frightened then.

Here’s where it gets really odd (as if it wasn’t before).

At the police station, a 33 year old man (who probably appeared emaciated and