March 5th, 2010 |
Ok, I couldn’t resist. Going to have to find a new means to protect yourself from the evil Microsoft. If you’re a female and get offended, you should probably not read this. At all. Just a warning.
Yes, the iPad has been delayed! *gasps*
Why is this important for society to know that THE iPAD HAS BEEN DELAYED? It’s not. But with Steve Jobs & the Apple-ites naming something the “iPad”, ManVBlog would like to take the time to come up with some one-liners and such to ready those of us in desperate need of the weekend to start early.
So… Let’s get it on! (Man V Blog is not responsible for the bad sense of humor, just lack of good taste)
- Did you see that flood after the iPad was released? Yeah, apparently the “Gates” were no longer protected. (Bill Gates… Yeah…)
- At least there’s no period in iPad.
- Users are expected to change their iPad at least once a month.
- Is that old iPad not big enough for your needs? Try the new Max-iPad!
- At least you won’t have to worry about setting off those hot “flashes” with this pad. (It isn’t Flash compatible… get it?!?)
- I wonder if the iPad is compatible with my current package? (Data package, that is)
- Brings a whole new meaning to “touch sensitive”. Look at Apple’s site, it says “with the touch of a finger”.
- How soon until someone makes a rumble pack feature for the pad?
- The iPad works in ANY orientation! (Really, did Apple not read what they were writing about their own product?)
- The iPad switches between “wide” and “full” after double-tapping. What other pads can do that?
*Done by myself, used with my own permission,
and if I find someone else using this, I will make you buy me one!*
For the REAL article this was based on, GO HERE.
March 3rd, 2010 |
Alright, so, after being stared out by someone in my household for making Wednesday “Women Wednesday”, I have decided to change formats rather than suffer the wrath of sleeping outside “for as long as you both shall live”. I’m happy to oblige, of course.
So, Wednesdays at ManVBlog shall now be known as “The WERD”. You can take this 1 of 2 ways… Or I suppose a 3rd.
- I left out an I.
- I replaced an O with an E because I’m tragically hip.
- I am spoofing Stephen Colbert.
For the inaugural WERD Wednesday, I thought I’d start it out by doing a little ditty to the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song. Just be glad I haven’t set up my studio yet to do videos.
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful dip
That started from a garage port
Located on the Vegas Strip.
The tosser was a mighty drinkin’ man,
The pongs were fast and true.
Ten cups of beer were laid that game
Set for a weekend splurge, a full weekend splurge.
The shots had started getting tough,
The beer was growing warm,
If not for the courage of the fearless one
The Bud would be doomed, the Bud would be doomed.
Inspired to go play yet?
And yes, there really is a World Series of Beer Pong.
The 2010 tournament season gets underway in July, and there are tournaments throughout the US that you can enter in hopes of gaining entry into the WSoBP (or you can just pay your entry fee, which includes a hotel room, but doesn’t it sound better to say “We won the Tricky Dick’s Pub tournament!”). The top prize is 500 Benjamins ($50k).
If ManVBlog had a nice sponsor, we’d go to cover it. *charity cause?*
You can also read this article on MAXIM online (or in the March edition with the blonde hottie Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang as the covergirl).
 
March 2nd, 2010 |
This week on “Techie Tuesday”, ManVBlog explores the world of Nuclear Batteries and the idea of harnessing nuclear energy for use in such devices as your cell phone, mp3 player, or that remote control stealth bomber with nuclear weapon add-on so you too can capture your own country. (Buy HERE … though no nuclear weapon add-on for sale yet.)
You’re probably asking, won’t I get radiation poisoning if I buy one of these nuclear batteries and use it in my cell phone? Don’t worry. If you have been using a cell phone, you’ve already been exposed to radiation, so you might as well make sure that your cell battery won’t die for at least 10-20 years as you slowly becoming radioactive with a slight hint of green glow.
But, fret not! They aren’t quite available yet, much to my dismay. I mean, who wouldn’t want a nuclear battery just ready to overheat in your pocket? At least it wouldn’t self-combust like those Dell laptops…
Unfortunately, and I say this with a VERY heavy heart, these batteries are being extensively worked on at the University of Missouri… (You don’t know how hard that was to type that “college”.) For the full article and more details about it, you can CLICK HERE or you can take my word on it.
I’m going to be checking eBay constantly for these things though, so when I get one (unless I find a nuclear physicist, an electrical engineer, and anyone else from the University of Kansas that wants to beat that “other” school first…), I’ll report back on just how much afterglow I have, and not in the good way, if you know what I mean.
March 1st, 2010 |
MAKEOVER MONDAY!
Today’s topic is the beautifully dysfunctional situations playing out between men and women. And let’s face it, you all know one who’s side I fall… my wife’s.
She recently passed along the “Nine Words Women Use” list to me, perhaps if telling me something. But being a guy, it’s probably lost on me. Go figure. But, here’s the list:
-
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
-
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
-
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
-
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
-
Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
-
That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
-
Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
-
Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!
-
Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.
Now men, do you understand that? You may want to print this out, memorize it, or even photocopy it to a 3×5 card (like I used to do for school when the teacher said you can have whatever you want for the test as long as it fits on a 3×5 card… priceless memories there!). But men, we have our own lingo too that women should know about, right? I mean, c’mon now, we men aren’t all brutes and sports fanatics! So, here’s the ManVBlog’s list of “Nine Words Men Use”.
-
Fine
It’s what we say when we pretend to be listening to you. It’s our “I’d rather be somewhere else doing anything else, but I’ll appease you and say ‘Fine’ to whatever you ask just to get you to stop talking so we can move on to something else” word.
-
Five Minutes
Five minutes is usually an undetermined set of time, but we say it because it’s a good even number. When used in conjunction with “I’ll get those dishes done in five minutes”, it means we’ll think about doing them tomorrow. When it is used on us men, as in the woman saying, “Five more minutes” in reference to finishing getting dressed, we tend to think of it as, “No problem, that’s more ESPN time for me and you not asking me to do anything while you’re in the bedroom/bathroom getting ready and can’t see that I’m doing absolutely nothing productive.”
-
Nothing
When someone asks a man about something, especially when he’s involved with watching anything on the television, it really does mean “nothing”. We are unable to think and watch TV at the same time, thus why we yell obscenities at it when we know full well that the umpire will never hear us. Really, we’re unable to think and do anything else at the same time. So, “Nothing” = Nothing.
-
Go Ahead
It’s our way of saying, “I would pay money to see it.” We want you to prove that you can do it. We know we’ll most likely get in trouble or sent to the doghouse for a night, but we want to see you do it, for purely entertainment purposes.
-
Loud Sigh
We do this when we run out of beer, and wondering if you’ll take pity on us and bring us another cold one. Goes along with #3 in that we want to watch TV and can’t do 2 things at once.
-
That’s Okay
Really, it is. It’s our way of trying out “Nurture over Nature” and we get all fussy over something we probably don’t care about, just to try and score some brownie points for later.
-
Thanks
One of the most sarcastic words in the man’s dictionary. 9 times out of 10 we say it in this fashion. This is probably why when we actually mean it that 1 time, it’s lost in interpretation. Just say “You’re Welcome” and we’ll go along with it all 10 times though.
-
Whatever
It means we don’t care. “Want to go to so-and-so restaurant tonight?” “Whatever.” “Do you want to watch ice-skating with me on TV?” “Whatever.” It’s a man’s way of politely saying, “I don’t care.” Can be interchanged with “Fine”.
-
Don’t Worry About It, I Got It
If a dude EVER says “Don’t worry about it”, run. It usually means we’re so peeved that we’re attempting to be nice. If we’re nice, that means something is REALLY wrong. Like when we bring home flowers or buy you a gift. See #6 about scoring brownie points for later.
February 26th, 2010 |
In this edition of “Free-For-All-Friday”, we’ll explore ways that you can make a million dollars in today’s economy. Sure, a million sounds like a small number (if you have a few billion lying around), but it would be more than enough to get 95% of us by for our entire lives, assuming we don’t go out and buy property in California.
Let’s quickly examine what you could buy for a million bucks before ManVBlog tells you how to make a million.
- It will buy you this home (not homes, just the home, taxes not included):
http://www.weichert.com/27999990/?zip=22066&minpr=1000&maxpr=2000&dir=ASC&view=gallery
- It will buy you this car (gas not included):
http://www.dieselstation.com/cars/1-million-dollar-lamborghini-reventon-a700.html
- It will buy you this cell phone (no cell phone plan though):
http://www.engadget.com/2006/05/17/the-million-dollar-cellphone/
- It will buy you this down-right hideous computer that is more bling than “bang for the buck”:
http://www.geeksugar.com/Million-Dollar-Computer—Gadget-One-Needs-112293
So, how do you make a million dollars?
Here are some ideas:
- Walk around the U.S. toting a placard that reads: “One million people. $1 each.” Though, you might have to find some pretty robust sneakers for such a trek.
- Find a piece of art in a dumpster, then sell it. Who knows. You might be this lucky:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_RQVa_2Ulk
- Make a really bad movie, find lots of people after promoting the beejesus out of it, and then charge to make them leave. Or else have me sing the opening number.
- Go back to elementary school and beat up lots of kids for their milk money.
-
Have THIS comic book or even THIS comic book. (Now who’s laughing at us comic book collectors, huh?!?)
 VS 
Or else, maybe I’ll start an online donation drive that will take $1 donations to promote ManVBlog for a TV deal. $1M for a set. Who wants to be first? Only a million to go…
February 24th, 2010 |
Men, get a beer gut. It just might save your life. No, really.
Look at this guy’s gut.
He is definitely ROCKING THE BEER GUT and ladies, you can too!
So, no longer does it need to be known as simply storing up fuel for a sex machine, but it can also now be known as a life saver. Here’s the gist of what happened…
43 year old pub owner (we’re in England here, so it’s a “pub”) was tossing out a gent for getting into a “row” with another customer. Unhappy gent then pulls a 3 inch knife on him, stabbing him in the gut. The “extra fat” saved the man’s life as the penetrated blade didn’t get to any organs. All in all, the pub owner got lucky. Or else someone felt sorry for him as his parents named him Snaz Martin.
So, men, drink up. Buy a sixer of Red Hook and grow out your life savin’ machine. Or sex machine. Or combine the two and call it your “sex savin’ machine”. Your wife will thank you. Or at least kick you out… you and your sixer.
Read the FULL STORY here.
February 23rd, 2010 |
In honor of FREE PANCAKE DAY at IHOP (find your location HERE), ManVBlog would like to present to its avid readers a history of the pancake.
*grabs a pipe and sits down by a fire in an expensive (but not too revealing) robe*
The modern pancake can trace its roots back to the Romans. While Maximus Decimus Meridius was otherthrowing the Roman emperor during its gladitorial games after Joaquin Phoenix killed the other emperor what’s his name, the people in the stands could have been eating a “Alita Dolcia” (Latin for “another sweet”). These early pancakes were made of flour, milk, eggs and spices and were eaten like a flatbread sandwich, in which you could add honey or meats to it (not to be confused with the flatbread sandwiches from Subway).
The first recognizable pancakes came about during Medieval times, when you could enjoy a savory griddle cooked pancake while you watched your neighbor suffer from the Bubonic plague. These were particularly enjoyable during the Easter season, especially on Shrove Tuesday (or, as you might know it, Mardi Gras). Known by many names (Germany = hearty potato pancakes; France = crepes and galettes; Ireland = Boxty; Scottland = drop scone; Indonesia = dadar gutung; India = poori; China = bao bing), pancakes are a global phenomenon that can be enjoyed in any language. In Sweden, Thursday nights are considered PANCAKE NIGHT (as dessert), something that has been done since the Middle Ages and enjoyed thoroughly after a rousing bowl of pea soup.
The Native Americans in the United States had a concoction called “nokehick” and the Dutch Americans had a buckwheat variety that they called “panekoeken”. In 1745, you could order “hoe cakes” (because of what they were cooked on) and get pancakes, unless you were in an unsavory location. The word “pancake” did not even come into existence until the 1870s.
And that leads us to today. Oh IHOP, you festive company, you! Toying with our inner pancake taste buds that have been “evolved” over time so that they lay within our very DNA. We have truly adapted a pancake nerve that any time we hear the word “PANCAKE”, we sprint to the nearest pancakery like a baby drinking a cappuccino. Pancakeness, oh dear pancakeness, I salute you. Now, pass the syrup.
A MORE DETAILED HISTORY OF PANCAKES CAN BE FOUND HERE.
February 23rd, 2010 |
Why would someone want to buy earbuds for your iPod that are 600 times larger than the normal ones? Must be a new fad to somehow strap these ginormous things to your head just like it was cool to drape a clock around your neck. They be straight trippin’, boo.
Or how about an old iMac turned into an aquarium? Do you really need something like that to make yourself “cool”? Or are you just that big of an Apple junkie and would buy Steve Jobs’ underpants if they were for sale too?
I mean, really?
And even an iPod coffee table? Good grief.
When does it move from something cool to have to complete insanity? Oh well, as long as there is a market for it, people will make it.
Now, where is my old Sony Walkman that I can convert into an iPod holder…
 Check out the ARTICLE HERE!
February 22nd, 2010 |
Okay. So, you want THE best experience out of listening to music or watching portable movies as you wait in line at your favorite doctor’s/dentist’s office. What do you do to kill time? Forget that Sony Walkman and your extensive tape collection that features MC Hammer’s “Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em”, Vanilla Ice’s “To The Extreme”, or your Boyz II Men single “End of the Road”. (All classics, and on my player, of course).
But, all the guides out there that try to compare the iPod line to the Zune line don’t quite get it. Comparing, say, the iPod Touch to the Zune HD is like comparing a fruit salad to an orange. Yeah, you get lots of stuff with a fruit salad, but that orange you get purely the orange and all of its goodness without an apple or whip cream thrown in the way to cloud that orangy-orange flavor. And for some people, they like having the fruit salad, while others prefer the orange or the apple or banana.
So, here’s the deal. iPods are like that fruit salad. They do lots of things: movies, music, internet, camera, touch screen, and the largest collection of downloadable free and purchasable applications for any mobile platform. Period. Lots of things packed into a nice package. And if you get the iPhone, you can combine all of that with your phone, making it like a portable media entertainment package that you can use on the go in all instances. Sounds good, right?
Well, I don’t like fruit salad, as there are certain fruits that I just can’t stand (like having to use AT&T for an iPhone). I like to have specific flavors that tantalize my taste buds, experiencing the full flavor of the orange without being interrupted by a stray grape or mellowed out from the whip cream. I like the sultriness of the apple as I bite into it, that rush of tastiness with each passing mastication. That, my friends, is the Zune HD.
The latest in the Microsoft (*coughs*) lineup is the Zune HD. Available in the 16gb or the 32gb version, it is like holding the ultimate entertainment package in your hand. Of course, it doesn’t have the applications as the iPod has, but you really get the full experience in music and movies that play through this baby. Oh, and it comes with HD radio, which is a new thing if you haven’t heard about, and it sounds fantastic. CD quality music pumped into your ear lobes will have you wondering why you settled for fruit salad instead (if you went that route). The Zune HD’s movie ability is phenomenal, sparkling upon a 480×272-pixel OLED (yes, OLED!) display that makes you want to drool. As an accessory, you can purchase an HD-OUT station that will allow you to hook up your Zune HD to a (preferably) HDTV so you can watch those movies or music videos or anything else you might have stored on it.
So, yes, you could go buy a fruit salad and be content with that, and that’s all good and fine. I have a fruit salad player (iPod Touch – 8gb – 1st Gen.) and never knew what I was missing and I was completely content with it. But once you have tasted that lustful sweetness, that tangy goodness and that pure, unadulterated awesomeness that it is something perfect at what it does and doesn’t have to try and be everything, then you may never go back.
Do yourself a favor, and go makeover your portable multimedia player self today and eat just the orange today.
And yes, I did use a thesaurus today. I felt big words would make me sound smarter.
February 17th, 2010 |
How many of you all know that in some cultures, eating cat is acceptable?
How many of you have eaten cat? (And if any of you have, how was Fluffy?) Meow…
Recently, an Italian chef was kicked off a cooking show in Italy for giving his recipe for “Cat Stew”, saying it was “succulent” and, I quote:
“I’ve eaten it myself and it’s a lot better than many other animals,” he told viewers. “Better than chicken, rabbit or pigeon.” He said that for optimum flavor the meat should be “soaked in spring water for three days” before being stewed.
Hungry yet?
But, is that the weirdest thing you can eat? In China, they eat dogs and cats (for now…) stating something that they taste like chicken. Or not. But yeah. How’s Sparky doing?
How many of you have watched Fear Factor? I think that takes the cake for eating the grossest things, aside from stewed spinach.
Other things that people “eat”:
Anything I miss?
|
ADVERTISE HERE
Contact manvblog@gmail.com to learn how!
|
